Today, It Rained.

 I got a little camera happy with this faucet.

 I thought the reflection of the playground was pretty neat.

 Someone left their boots!

 There was a little stream, but alas. A barbed wire fence kept me from getting any closer.

 Excuse me while I'm vain for a few photos.

 Jerry.

"I am a being of Heaven and Earth, of thunder and lightning, of rain and wind, of the galaxies."

 -Eden Ahbez

Sometimes you find a song that, as soon as it starts playing, awakens something inside of you. 
It's a little bit strange, and extremely unexplainable. 
You can be feeling something something mildly, and then when you turn on the song, you feel that same thing but times one million stronger. Or it can change your mood almost completely around. 
The funny thing is, that same song will make another person feel absolutely nothing, while you're on the ride of your life!
And for me, the key component to a song is the soul that you can feel coming from the artist(s).  Even if the song is simple, I can always tell when an artist really means and feels something deeper than their lyrics. Or if they are using an instrument to paint their soul for you (a voice is an instrument too).
This song is what's on more than a few times a day this week. Turned up very loud. Some people dislike or even hate Owl City, because his lyrics are weird, his voice sounds auto-tuned, he's only popular with twelve-year old girls, blah blah blah, etc., etc. But I don't care, I've loved Adam Young for years and will continue to do so without shame. Not only do I admire his outward showing of his Christian beliefs, but something about his music speaks to me and I. love. it.
Today, listening to this song, I feel empowered, wanted, needed, and influential. It also makes me want to go run my heart out, but I already did that today and I don't think my knees would thank me if I did it again.

Think of the music you listen to, doesn't matter what it is, but do you love it? Like, really love it? If the answer is no, then why are you listening to it?

the little prince.

so there's this book called the little prince by antoine de saint exupéry that i've had for years but have only made it through the first three pages. several times. i haven't picked it up for a while, but a visit from a friend who mentioned it inspired me. approximately 112 pages in length, it changed my life in a small way.

i want to make it a goal to have something change my life at least once a day.

i wish that everyone could and would read it.

a shortened version of my favorite part. love.

when he meets the fox-

"i cannot play with you," the fox said. "i am not tamed."

"what does that mean- tame?"

"it is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "it means to establish ties."

"to establish ties?'

"just that," said the fox. "to me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. and i have no need of you. and you, on your part, have no need of me. to you, i am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. but if you tame me, then we shall need each other. to me, you will be unique in all the world. to you, i shall be unique in all the world..."

"if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. i shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. and then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? i do not eat bread. wheat is of no use to me. the wheat fields have nothing to say to me. and that is sad. but you have hair that is the color of gold. think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! the grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. and i shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..."

"what must i do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"you must be very patient," replied the fox.

so the little prince tamed the fox. and then the hour of his departure drew near-

"ah," said the fox,"i shall cry."

"it is your own fault," said the little prince. "i never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."

"yes, that is so," said the fox.

"but now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"yes, that is so," said the fox.

"then it has done you no good at all!"

"it has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." and then he added:

"go and look again at the roses. you will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. then come back and say goodbye to me, and i will make you a present of a secret."

"goodbye, " said the fox. "and now here is my secret, a very simple secret: it is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"it is the time you have [spent] for your rose that makes your rose so important."

In light of recent events, I feel like I've learned some important lessons:

1. The Lord will always answer your prayers. More often than not, in ways that you didn't expect. And the answer to your prayer may be the answer to someone else's completely different, but equally important one.

2. Be aware of your emotions. What you are feeling at any given moment. Recognize it and embrace it. If it is negative, embrace it only long enough to let it go. Don't deny anything that you may be feeling. Every emotion is an important part of learning about the very essence of yourself.

3. Along with the previous one, do not force an emotion upon yourself. In the wise words of Baron Baptiste, doing so would be like "forcing a rose to blossom". It's ok to have days full of sorrow, if we never reached the depths of sadness we would never soar to the very heights of joy and happiness.

4. People are beautiful and recognizing that beauty and passion in others will help you to find those things in yourself.

5. God knows what He's doing.

6. It doesn't matter if going out of your comfort zone seems small compared to what other people have done outside of their comfort zones. You are not other people.

7. Have a passion. Experience something so beautiful and amazing that you cannot possibly even begin to describe it to someone else.

8. Like the famous (or infamous?) song says...say what you need to say. Whether or not you use words to say it. Communicate with those you love. Very few things will bring you greater peace of mind. Do not worry about whether or not they will accept you. "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

9. Tell those who you love, that you do indeed love them. Tell them as frequently as possible. Even if you may not be in a loving frame of mind. You know that you still love them and it is important to remember that.

10. To quote some incredible people in my life, "sing your own song". We each have our own song to sing and we cannot change the pure melody of what it is. The key or the dynamics may change, but the melody is unfailing. If part of your song is being super emotional, then by golly sing it! If you need to occasionally listen to Taylor Swift and old Jesse McCartney then do! If marathons pull at your heartstrings then run for as long as you feel pulled. You are who you are and you need what you need. Don't try to change your song for anybody.

Sometimes all we need is a little reminder that we matter. And that what we do matters.

I had one of those reminders today- as I went out for a 6:45 run this morning.

I went out a little distressed and confused. For the last [almost] two years of my life, I've been trying to figure out what I want to do for, well, the rest of my life! [A predicament that I'm sure many of you have been/are/will be stuck in]

I know the type of person who I would like to be. And the process of being the person I want to become has been so rewarding.

But it's time that I uncover hidden, dusty parts of myself that haven't yet been manifest to the world.

How can I influence others, and my future family? What path should I take?

I know what I love to do: run. Surprise.

But I just feel like there's something about me that I don't know yet. Something that Heavenly Father knows and is just waiting patiently for me to discover.

How can I discover it?

Back to the run.

I guess the answer came when I stopped at the temple and watched the sunrise from the grounds.

Breathtaking.

And I didn't get an answer to what I should do-

but I got an answer of comfort that I will find out, and if I keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and at least make starts along new paths [leaps into the dark, but not blindly], then I'll be ok.

That word, ok, feels so good in my mouth right now.

I'll be ok.

My life will be ok. And not only ok, but amazing. Awe-inspiring. Beautiful. Divine.

I matter. And I know that I matter.

And that's all there really is to it.

“This hill though high I covent ascend;
The difficulty will not me offend;
For I perceive the way of life lies here.
Come, pluck up, heart; let's neither faint nor fear. ”
― John Bunyan, The Pilgrim's Progress

a little dedication post. and stuff.

My Dearest Roommate,

Right now you are probably far away to the east. I just wanted you to know how much I love you. I feel like I've been slacking as a friend lately and for that I am sorry. It seems that I've found something great! And I thank my Father in Heaven for that. And you, Rel. You taught me that I could pray for what my heart truly desired. You taught me how to let someone come into my life and have to work because I want them with me always. I am so grateful for everything that you are and will become, because you have changed me for good.

You've taught me how to come to know myself. I feel things so deeply, and that always scared me and I didn't know what to do. So I stifled myself. But you've taught me (and I'm still in the process of learning) to understand and recognize what I'm feeling in a particular moment and to embrace it. I know how to talk to myself.

You are so beautiful! You get more beautiful every day in my eyes. Your very essence shines through everything you do. Right now your life seems to be revolving around the cello more than ever before. There is no other instrument that is so perfect for you! Like you are an instrument in the Lord's hands, the cello is helping you to work miracles. You have worked so hard for your whole life, and it is, and will continue to pay off. I know this because I've seen it in your struggles and triumphs. In your life. I've heard it in the many beautiful, tearful, ecstatic, thoughtful, questioning, words that you've said to me.

I know that you are going to do incredible things on this little trip that is but a tiny part of your magnificent life.

I could go on for pages, forever, about the things you've taught me. But I do not have time and space sufficient enough. But, know that everything is inscribed on my heart.

I love you so much!

Snow

What a wonderful day! Watching the snow work it's magic can't be surpassed by much.

The snow on a brand new winters morn,

fills you with an indescribable feeling of hope and joy.

As you go throughout the day,

you can't help but look in awe at all that surrounds you.

Glistens, sparkles, ribbons of light-

reflect off the beautiful blanket and into your eyes,

radiating to all, the joy that is swelling inside.

Quick-

can you stop this moment in time?

Make it last for eternity so that this hour never leaves?

Even in the midst of hard times and heartbreak,

the snow will still fall-

softly and whisper happiness in your ear.

A constant in a world of change.

I delight in the snow,

I delight in this joy,

I delight in this life.

I delight in He who has given me all and reason to rejoice

in the goodness that still remains

in this coarse world.

Gently, softly, sings my soul-

with the coming winter.

October

This sudden shift in the weather also brings a shift in sentiments.
What is it about the chilly weather that somehow warms my soul?
Maybe it's knowing that no matter how cold i get outside, I can always come home to warm sweat and blankets.
Suddenly my heart becomes a reminiscent mess of autumns past.
And how each one has changed my life. Always for the better (if only sometimes in hindsight).
I can walk along a leaf-strewn path, look up at the branches covering the sky, take in the smells, all the while faces and events from years past flit in and out of my vision.
There's a change not only in the temperature, and color of the leaves, but in the very energy of the season that comes with the entrance of fall.
Trying to pinpoint exactly what it is would be like trying to capture the whole essence of the ocean in one water bottle.
But continuing curiosity and the small discovery of little gems can still bring satisfaction.
"Not all who wander are lost."
Still, I am convinced that the fall season is God's way of stirring up our souls so that thoughts we believed were lost find themselves at the top of our minds once again.
We are reminded that there are complexities in our life that cannot be ignored.
Peace, though, is the backbone of the season. Never confusion.
Thank you, October.

A Compilation of Short Stories

Please enjoy some journal entries from 1996-97.
I was pretty darn cute (I tried to capture the punctuation and spelling as best as I could, the dots in between each word? I don't even know what I was thinking).


December 23 1996 Weednesday

I. PLAyED. wITh. my. Toys AND. my. BRoTheR
I.Am.Jamie.I. Am. In. KINDERGARTEN AND I Am SIX
AND I. DIDNT. SIGNuP. FoR. FIRST. GRADE. YET
I. LOVE. FLOWER'S
Jamie

DEC. 25. 1996 WEDNEDAY (Maybe I'll learn one day how to spell the days of the week)

I. Am. Jamie. Hirmon. I Am. e. I Am. COOL.
AND. I. LOVE. BOyS. AND. Boys. LIKE. me.
I. LOVE. FLOWER'S. AND. I. JEST. LOVE. yOU
Jamie

APRiL 4 1997 FRyiDAy

I AM Jamie I LIkee TO PLAy WIT My FRED
AND I DoT LIKe My mom veRY mUTHE
SUM.TIms I PLAy WITH My SCHYLER
(I had tried to cross out the part where I reveal how I felt about my dear mother that day. Apparantly I was ashamed of such feelings)

So I know you're dying for more, because these are super entertaining.
But you're just going to have to hold onto your little horses.

I think it's been a little while...oh dear.
The thing is, I have so much to say- but no way to say it. Which is a tad bit frustrating.
Ah well.
I ran a race last Saturday- an 11 mile race climbing up 3500' and then back down.
It was originally a 28 mile race (which I wasn't going to run per lack of preparation), but because of snow safety issues, it was dramatically cut down to 11.
With 11 miles, fear of death was no longer a factor. So I ran it.
Hiking.
Trudging through miles of snow.
Bloody knees.
Running alongside ultra-runners.
I finally realized that I can.
I can do hard things- and I will always, always, love it when I'm done.
Comparison never gets me anywhere.
An incredible breakthrough moment materialized when I realized that I am who I've wanted to become for so long.
Progress has not stopped, but satisfaction is grasped and held.
For so long I was afraid to be defined by what I do. [run]
For fear that one day it wouldn't be there and I would be lost.
But now I embrace it! It's made me who I am. And even if my legs fall off, I'll still consider myself a runner.
I don't care if that's all you know about me.
Because my Heavenly Father and I know that I have been given this gift and desire for a reason.
Many reasons actually.
My name is Jamie, and I love to run.

Call back the Capcom,

tick off the time bomb,

Let felicity fly!

Armour the airlock,

blanket the bedorck,

and kiss the planet goodbye.

Dear God, I was terribly lost,
when the galaxies crossed,
and the Sun when dark.
Dear God, You're the only North Star
I would follow this far.

Fight back the flight deck,
Bring on the breakneck,
Cue the solar eclipse!
Summit the sunset,
Dubtail the dragnet,
and blow your backbone to bits.

Oh telescope, keep an eye on my only hope,
lest I blink and be swept off the narrow road.
Hercules, you've got nothing to say to me,
'cause you're not the blinding light that I need.

For He is the saving grace of the Galaxies!
He is the saving grace of the galaxies.
-galaxies owl city



our life- is so incredible. yet it's so small.
great, eternal, potential is forever looming before us.
take a chance- leave what you know [well].
for something that you're longing to know [more].
kick off the ground and don't be afraid to fall.
for every time we do, our opportunities increase tenfold.
trust- in yourself, in the earth, in our heavenly father.
and falter...you will never.

Dyad?

Happy Birthday Dad!
That is all.
Love,
Jamie

". . . and a child shall lead them."

it's about time i posted something!

at the beginning of this week austin and aubrey came to visit me in my quaint little apartment.

it was quite the honor- being a mom for a few days.

i think we all know that there's something about children that stirs our souls and melts our hearts.

the constant chatter about anything and everything.

running, crawling, stomping, always moving around.

not only were there children in our apartment- there were dogs, cats, robots, and hamsters.

we were meant to start out on our earthly journey as children for a reason-

to teach others how to live and be happy.

happiness is not complex, nor is it a goal to be reached.

it is here and now. in our fake dogfood dishes. in our desire for a good ice cream cone. in our plastic sword that lights up and makes noises.

aren't they just so snazzy and cute?

and they're mine!